It’s Christmas. You’re with the rest of your wider family. The drinks are flowing – maybe a little too liberally. Do you all get on? Do you always end up arguing? Do you look on embarrassed as some of your family are behaving in a way that you wouldn’t dream of? Is a family Christmas something you look forward to, or do you dread it?
For some Christmas is a happy time, but there are plenty of people who find it a time filled with anxiety – dreading the argument that they know they will have with their cousin, horrified at their sister-in-law’s drinking habits, and just waiting for their auntie to make passive aggressive comments about the present they got.
Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?
It all starts in the primitive part of our brain called the Limbic System. This part of our brain is responsible for our survival. It is not very clever, it just finds a pattern of behaviour that seems to work and repeats it.
Think of a squirrel – it is looking through the leaf litter on the forest floor for something to eat when you come wandering along the path. The squirrel does not stop to think how dangerous you might be, it just does what it always does – it runs to the nearest tree and climbs, staying on the opposite side of the trunk to you. It’s life is ruled by its limbic system and so it always does the same thing – the thing that it believes is going to keep it alive.
Our own limbic system (which gets more in control after a few drinks) is on high alert at the Christmas party. The party is not part of its routine, so it is on high alert for potential survival threats.
When your cousin wanders over to say hello, the limbic system goes on even higher alert, remembering the argument you had last year. It also knows that whatever you did last year seemed to work – you survived – and that’s all it cares about. It does not care how you feel about things or whether you are having a good time. Its only job is to make sure you survive. So it encourages you to repeat the argument you had last year
And so your limbic system raises your anxiety, and creates anger, just like it did last year and the year before that. Before you know it, you are in a full blown argument following exactly the same pattern as you always do. You go away from the party angry, with anxiety levels really stirred up, vowing never to talk to your cousin again.
… And your limbic system has won.
What Can We Do Instead?
You have a clever brain. You know that the Christmas family party is not life-threatening – even though your limbic system does not. You need to keep that intelligent part of your brain in charge.
So remember: There are things you can control and things you cannot control. Do the best with the things you can control, and accept that things are going to happen that you cannot control.
- You cannot control your sister-in-law’s drinking habits as she pours the drink down her throat straight from the bottle, but you can control whether or not it upsets you.
- You cannot control your cousin when they say something controversial just to get you riled up, but you can control whether or not you choose to respond.
- You cannot control your auntie’s passive aggressive comments about the present you got her, but you can chose whether to feel bad about it, or just laugh it off.
You see you cannot change other people’s behaviour, what they say, their beliefs, or what they think of you – but you can change your own reaction to these things. Your goal is to end the party without adding to your stress and anxiety. And if you can, enjoy the your time together too.
And Finally …
After the Christmas break, if you find your anxiety levels are a bit out of control, if you want to get back in control of your emotions, if you find you cannot manage this on your own, then you might want to consider hypnotherapy. I would be happy to have a chat if you want to Contact Me. I work out of my clinic in Fleet, Hampshire as well as working online.
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